Friday, July 6, 2012

Three Q&A’s with a Married Man

Hello Dear Blog Readers,

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged at Blogger. Blame my current writing projects, one of which is very close to being self-published. It’s an erotica series about a confident Plus-Size, Curvy woman. I’m very excited about it. You will be too once you start reading…

Amidst my many writing projects, I’ve had a productive back and forth with a funny, sweet married man. I want to share (with his consent and approval) as he has been able to confirm that my advice, insight, suggestions into rekindling the sex/erotic flame with his wife have really helped. This makes me very happy. I like knowing I can help people. Tell me what you think. Am I any good at this?

He first asked about my thoughts on him watching Porn before getting it on with his wife. The conversation then shifted to questions about his wife’s squirting and then finally, to my thoughts about anal sex. His correspondence is in BLUE, mine is in RUBY.

Q&A I watch porn to get stimulated before having sex w/ my wife… Is this OK?

Can I ask you a serious question. Or I guess your opinion. Do you think if I  watch porn to get stimulated before having sex, without my wife knowing I watch it, do you think that is wrong? After taking your advice I'm giving my wife everything I can to light the fire in the sheets. We fucked four nights in a row last week. I know it may not sound like much but with my wife, trust me it was unprecedented. And it was amazing and it really brought us closer. So again I guess my question am I doing something bad by watching porn to get stimulated before I go to bed? Sorry to bother you but I felt with you I would get an honest answer. ~ J

Keeping in mind what I knew from our prior email convo, this was my REPLY: 

Hi J,

I'm happy to help. It's wonderful to hear that you took those steps.... and wow! Look at the result. That's awesome! :)

The more important question is for you to ask what you're ashamed about. Fundamentally, our society places a very heavy burden of shame on people regarding sexual desire and intimacy. As a result, very basic and normal sexual wants, needs, desires get 'choked' under the stigma of judgment and shame. Or the idea that something is 'taboo'. Truthfully, very little is taboo (take a look at my list below). All it is, is us experiencing and using our bodies and genitals to play!

IMHO, it's ok and normal to look at and watch material that sexually stimulates us. This is true for men and women alike. Sex is like anything else, addictive or compulsive behavior always follows the same patterns. So, examine your relationship to porn. I prefer the term erotica. For fun, you (and maybe your wife) could attend the Seattle Erotic Art Festival which happens to be going on this week. It started last weekend and is going through this one. Perhaps it may be too much for your wife, but maybe not? At the very least, it can stimulate?

Ultimately, there are a few basic guidelines I abide by and expect others to abide by. I call these my Golden Sex Rules:

1. the rule of consent
2. the rule of not sexualizing minors (children and teens)
3. the rule of not having sexual relations with those unable to speak for oneself to provide consent (handicapped, mentally disabled, animals, the dead (corpse), elderly, etc.)
4. respect each other’s sexual health & limits by playing safe/sane & disclose STD’s prior to playing
5. fucking have fun! play! explore! discover yourself! discover each other!

It's true, many women frown on porn. But that is a long story in and of itself. That said, things are changing - a lot of porn is being made by women with women in mind as the viewer/customer. I happen to like porn, I watch it a few times a week. As long as the women (porn actresses) are actually getting off and enjoying themselves, are not solely being used or demeaned, I have a broad range of what I like.

Your wife is a sexual being. That she has had sex with you four times in a row last week speaks volumes. Don't waste this opening, it means more to her than you may ever realize. If there is anything that most women share in common when it comes to men who are lovers, husbands, intimate partners, BF's, what have you - it is this, we all love it when you take charge and assert what you need and what you want to provide - to us as your partner. Even when being vulnerable about a sex life that has disappeared, we fundamentally are physiologically and psychologically triggered to respond to the innate masculine dominance of a man. Even Dominant women respond to this. Make sense?

I think there is something you'll really enjoy. Check out this website and book. It's based on a married man who wanted to reignite the spark with his wife. What happened, absolutely to this day, still blows his mind away. TheSexExperiment & TheSexExperiment at

Your next step? Ask her about something she's been afraid to share, divulge or talk about regarding sex. Give her a wide open door and plenty of time to respond.  Just ask one or two times, don't push or pressure her. She may blurt it right out or wait a week and surprise you on a Sun morning while drinking coffee. Whatever she brings to the table, you be open and sincere. Don't judge. This opening will provide you clues on how to further stimulate her. I'd be thrilled to hear the results. Let it percolate in her mind if needed. Be curious, but don't suffocate her. 

Feel free to reach out anytime.


Q&A When a Woman Squirts, is that a Different Feeling?

Hi Ruby,

Thank you soooo much for taking your time to share this advice with me!!! I was hoping you would reply but WOW, amazing advice!!! Are you a counselor? Am I going to get an invoice from you in the mail? Lol…
Your comment about women liking when men take control, I can totally see that! On Sunday night we were playing around, I was licking her pussy then I straddled her and she grabbed me and was playing with her pussy with my cock. It was very stimulating to see her do this. I was afraid I was going to cum so I took charge and slide my cock inside her and was fucking her slow but hard (slow but hard, does that make sense?) I wasn't doing anything out of the ordinary but while we were fucking I could feel, hear and see she was squirting (which I have another question about later). Seeing her do this was an incredible turn on but what really surprised me was that she asked me while we were fucking if I was "doing something different" but I wasn't. I think maybe like you said, because I took charge, took total control and that in itself was stimulating to her.

Can I ask you about squirting? Ruby you are magical, like a genie in a lamp, I'm so glad I found you :) but am I only going to be granted 3 pieces of advice from you? Lol…
Back to my question, when a woman squirts, is that a different feeling? It's a different orgasm I can tell. When my wife squirts I don't know if she realizes it is happening. But when she has another orgasm her breathing and moaning leave no mistake to anyone in the house that she is cumming, plus her body shakes in controllable. Both this type of orgasm and her squirting are very stimulating. Especially the squirting.
I better stop, this session will probably cost me a fortune ;) lol…

Ruby I really do appreciate your advice, especially giving me your time to write back so much advice!!!
Thank you!!

Hi J,

You're welcome. I just take payment in the form of 'good karma', fair? :O)
Am I counselor? Not specifically... But do I have a ridiculous amount of education, experience and knowledge about human behavior (psychology, sociology, etc.) and managing humans, yes. On top of that, you add my own outta control interest and curiosity about sex and an extra helping of 'female intuition'. So, yes - I'm a magic sex genie. You figured it out!

That taking control piece creates an atmosphere of 'I want you so bad, I don't fucking care what you do - it's hot = you're sexy as hell = makes us fucking sexy as hell together.' Once that merry-go-round gets going, its kind hard to stop. The best part is that it starts a mind-fuck for a woman. And this, my friend, is what you're tapping into. Hence the four days in a row... ;O)

Couple questions - has she always squirted? Also, how old is she? Your wife may not realize she's squirting, but I'm sure your bedding does! :P

Yes, squirting is in my experience, a different type of orgasm. Here's something that many men may not realize. Women who are in touch with their orgasms have different 'flavors' of orgasms. God was indeed kinder to the fairer sex in this way. We get to have more than one and all colors of the rainbow types - IF, and the IF is important - we know our bodies first and foremost and have a man who can clue into our pace/signals/arousal phases and where we're at in our cycle. Naturally, this requires men actually being interested in our orgasm and pleasure. My experience is that 90% of men do care, they just may not simply have the confidence or experience. So, they get stuck. Women get judgmental or left unsatisfied and things get ugly. Ugh. I'm not into blaming either side of fence, I like creating win-win's where everyone can just move past the problem and make things/life better, however possible. 

First, it's my belief that every woman on the planet can squirt. That said, it isn't a much discussed part of sexuality and so the 'common knowledge' to learning about it and how to stimulate or understand it isn't readily available. The most important thing to know is that most women need a lot of stimulation to squirt. So, quick fucks rarely do it. If couples get stuck in the pattern of having the same sex, for the same amount of minutes in the same position - then you most likely won't see a woman squirt-coming. She may still come, but most likely not a squirt-come. 

Squirting can be correlated to a woman's monthly cycle. It's been observed by women who like to squirt that our bodies seem the most primed for it when we're ovulating or right before our period. For me, there is a 7 day window each month where I can squirt/come the easiest. There is always a 2-3 day window in which I 'peak'. I feel like a god-damned bonobo/cat-in-heat who wants cock like I need water. I didn't start squirting until I hit my 30's.

Each woman is different. The genitalia typically needs to be very engorged  and aroused - inside and out. So,  like sex for more than an hour, maybe already an orgasm or two. This is why you hear about men/lovers doing those 2-3 hour cunnilingus sessions who are hooked and only want to go down on women when they have lots of time to fuck them. The genitalia will really swell and this is how that inner ejaculating gland becomes easier to be stimulated. A good combination of oral, hand, cock really makes this work and feels like heaven on earth. I'm talking bliss. I've cried from these types of orgasms. They're deep, intense, long and ecstatic. They also have an 'emotional/spiritual' component. Very much about deep release and surrender - be it with oneself or to another. I've literally crawled out of bed I was so happily exhausted from coming. That's a funny sight, let me tell ya...

The slow and hard is so smart. Glad you figured that one out. Slow and deep really maximizes the G-spot. I can't come if a man fucks me too fast or too hard. Do I like getting fucked hard? Yes. But will I come while I'm being fucked fast and hard? No. Do I still want him to fuck me fast and hard at times. Yes. Fun!

In the end, I'm a big believer that sexual intimacy and pleasure is one of the most rewarding experiences any human being can have. Count yourself lucky if you happen to love the one you're experiencing it with, in this day and age many people may not have that. Make sense? 

Keep asking questions. I think I want to give Dan Savage (sex columnist) a run for his money!


Q&A I want to do ANAL

G's morning Ruby,

So much you say is actually happening!!! Do you have Hidden cameras in my house?
The cycle thing is do true! Usually a couple days before her period, she is so horny. This may sound funny but stimulating her nipples drive her wild. She has said before she has almost cum from that. She hasn't always squirted. The first time she did it was incredible. I think at first both of us weren't sure what happened. She was on top of me, facing away, she was bouncing in controllable which caused my cock to slide out and then she squirted out all over me. I had never experienced that before, I thought she was peeing on me. Then I realized she had squired. She said she didn't know what happened either. Another time was when we were fulfilling a little fantasy of hers, we were fucking, standing up in the bathroom (in the privacy of our house) and her juices squirted out, running down over my balls. It was hot!!!

Lately, since our merry go round has been spinning it's been happening and yes the sheets suffer :)
The merry go round came to a halt when her period stopped.
I think when she's ready again I'm going to surprise her and join her in the shower.
One area that is completely off limits to me is her anus. No fingers, no tongue, and definitely not my cock. Yes I'm sad because this is one thing that I would love to try!!! I realize that anal sex isn't something that can just happen anytime but I am dying to try it. 

Can I ask you Ruby, have you ever had anal sex? If you have did you enjoy it. Does it really give a woman pleasure? Is it just the idea of it being so naughty that makes it so desirable? 
I'm thinking about getting a tattoo of Aladdin’s lamp on my cock :) lol because when I rub the lamp I you make my wishes come true :)

Yes sweetie, it's time for Dave Savage to hang it up!!! You'll get my vote Ruby!!!
Thank you Ruby :)

Hi J,

Glad to hear that you’ve noticed how her cycle impacts both her willingness and eagerness to be sexual and when she squirts. The position she first squirt-gasmed in with you makes total sense. I have to agree, there is something especially hot about squirt. Have you ever tasted it? I love the way it feels and tastes. In my case, it’s very different from urine. I also find it sexy to have it all over a man’s cock, body, mouth. The warmth of it and the sexy, velvety feel of it… yum!

Ah. Anal sex. Yeah, let me tell ya – in my opinion, this one has more opinions on it than most other ‘taboo’ sex acts. First, I want to state this – EVERY WOMAN IS VERY UNIQUE about her sexual preferences in general, but when it comes to ANAL SEX, this seems to get exponentially magnified. I will reveal what’s been shared with me over the years.

First, I get it. I do. Men just want to insert anything and everything into all of our awesome orifices. Mouths, vaginas, asses. I’m fairly convinced that if our nose nostrils and ear canal openings were any larger, you guys would be sticking things in there too. And, it makes sense. Men have a body part solely designed to penetrate. Nothing like stating the obvious. The phallus, your penis-cock, wants inside a woman (or just a body) in general. Got it.

So, take a walk with me. How do you feel about having a phallus-like item or hard cock inserted into your ass?

You’re probably sitting there wondering WTF? Why is Ruby turning around the tables. No, I’m not trying to be rude or disrespectful. Notice your thoughts and feeling surrounding someone or something penetrating your anus?

Ah. Got it?

Ok then, this gives you somewhere to start in understanding her resistance to it. I’ve heard it all, there are women who will never try anal, their thinking is along the lines of, “that’s my asshole and shit comes out of it. No fucking way!” Then there are the women who are like, “I tried anal and offered up the ass and it hurt like hell, no thanks.” But then, there are the ones who are saying, “I fucking love anal, it gets me off and I really prefer it over vaginal sex.”

Confusing, right? As long as we respect RULE # 1, the rule of consent – I’d recommend explaining to her why you want to play with her anus (oral, tongue, fingers, cock, toys, etc.). A lot of women perceive their anus as this ‘disgusting body part’. Maybe if she knows you don’t find it disgusting, she’ll open up to the idea of it. So, realize that even if you offer up this part of her body you want to explore, she may not warm up to it. It’s like anything with women, provide them some time to percolate it.

Then, do your homework buddy! Be ready. Read. Watch ‘how-to-do’ Anal sex vid’s. Not anal porn, Anal sex Vid’s. There’s a huge difference. Have lube. Start with small, basic steps and listen to her. You’ll know if she’s enjoying it or not. Anal involves a very relaxed state of mind and body.

Be willing to let the ghost die if in the end, she’s like, “I hate this, I don’t like it and I don’t want to try it again.” Also, sometimes it’s a trust thing. So, just throwing that out there. Ultimately, be willing to do to and with yourself, whatever it is you want to do with her. Make sense? Meaning, maybe you can buy the butt plugs (one for you and one for her) and ask her to play with your ass. Plenty of hetero men like having their asses played with in the same way they want to play with a woman’s ass. Fingers, tongues, small toys…

I’m no expert on anal sex, but I have heard many women share that it was less-than-a-pleasant experience and they’re not inclined. I blame this partly on over-eager partners not knowing what they’re doing. One very important thing to know is that there are actual, bona-fide health/medical reasons some people shouldn’t do anal.

I hope that helped enlighten your curiosity a bit.
Have a horny & fun weekend,